March 14, 7:00pm - NOT FUCKING HAPPY:

    Before I start I should note that there were some really wicked days recently where I was quite content with things. However, the last week or so has proven to be a nightmare. It began with an extreme amount of fighting with my mom. That was my fault; I did neglect her while she was sick for a couple days because my head was completely fried by work, stress, and general shit like that. She obviously got upset by that, but once I did pay the proper attention to her she still stayed upset with me, and that ended up leading to a lot of fighting. Finally I snapped, yelled at her, and ended up having to move out.

    That's not the worst of it, in my opinion. I will try to refrain from naming names, but one of my very close friends, who means a lot to me, has severly disappointed me and pretty much lowered my opinion of them severly. I called this person last night and something very bad was happening where this person was. A boyfriend and girlfriend who lived together and had 3 kids got in a severe physical fight, my friend said one of them had blood on them or something, stuff was thrown around the house (ex: the phone was thrown out the window!) and all this was happening in front of at least one of the kids!!! I told them they should do something about it (call the police) and agreed to come down to help and support them if they did. On my way there I couldn't get a hold of them. Finally, someone else picked up on their cell and said this person was in the bathroom and would call me back. I told this other person I would find the address (which I don't know at the moment) and come down myself if I didn't get a call back. I was thinking "what the fuck!?" and getting very worried. 15 minutes went by and no call. There wasn't a way I could look up the address due to my lack of information so I called 911, gave them the number, and left it at that. A bit after that my "good friend" called. Seemed everything had calmed down, but nothing was done about the problem! I called this person after me and the friends I was with watched a movie, because there was a possibility I might have stopped by just to see how this person was and make sure everything is okay, but that didn't happen. I told them I was really upset that I got put through all this and nothing was done about the problem. The police didn't do anything about it when they stopped by; I don't know why but that's rediculous, and so is the fact that this friend of mine didn't do anything about it considering the severity of the problem. Today they called me and I bitched them out, but they tried to make it sound as if I was over-reacting, and that I was the one at fault. I genuinely believe I am not. After all the bullshit with this situation, and this person acting as if it was all blown over and done with and okay, and not doing anything about it to rectify the situation (similar has happened in the past, and I bet will happen in the future again), I am seriously disappointed and upset. I'm still really wound up. I don't need this. I can't even think straight at work because I had such a high opinion and respect for this person, and I can't believe they are acting as if it's none if their business when it's one of their good friends AND there are little kids who are being brought into this pathetic ghetto lifestyle. This is yet another situation I don't know what to do about. Generally I try to learn some sort of lesson from the hardships life sends my way, since that's what growing up and living is all about, but I really don't know what I'm supposed to take away with me in this situation. I guess I still have to think about it. I really miss this person. I haven't talked to them since the last phone call where they said I was frustrating them too much (because I was bitching them out) to talk to :-(

    So, that's what's on my mind for now. I did some wicked partying on the weekend. Heard an amazing DJ from the UK (Mark EG) who I've heard before, and he was solid as always. I also saw a DJ from Japan (DJ Yoji Biomekhanika or something like that) who was incredible as well. Pretty good party, in London Ontario, and the venue was an arcade that I used to play video games at all the time when I lived in London, so it was nostalgic as well. My work is going well as well. I'm working on a project that I'm also responsible for, so that's cool. I dunno. I'd really like to write more, but I think I need to find a time with a better mood and write something happy some time. I write too much depressed crap and even though I've been up and down a lot for quite some time now, I do spend a good amount of time happy, especially when with my friends, without whom I don't know what I'd do. I appreciate them a lot even though they probably don't know that =P

    I wish I could be happier. I wish I could find someone like me who I could have lots of fun with, and take on adventures.

March 03, 4:45pm - Bad Head Day:

I had an awesome time last night. Lots of fun with some of my friends though plans didn't work out exactly as expected.. Didn't see Erin at all, though I was supposed to see her at one place that no one ended up at. Woke up this morning, missing her so bad. Woke up this morning.. What am I saying, I got up at 4pm!!! I was in bed for 11 hours, and so far all I've been able to think about is her. I really don't know what to do with this situation or myself. I obviously can't continue to go up and down like this, but I don't know what to do about it. Even when I avoid her all the shit in my head is still there. Seems the only time I'm genuinely happy is when I'm with her, or good friends, but even they don't help sometimes. I always wonder what she's doing, how she is... *sigh*. In this state I know I am definitely undatable for anyone else, so even though I go out sometimes with the intention of picking up, I end up not bothering, either because of the shit in my head, or because I know that I will still have thoughts of someone else lingering in the back of my mind... So, I need to either get Erin out of my head, or get with her. I don't know how to accomplish either. It's funny how I can get just about any job I want, befriend almost any person I meet, learn/understand just about anything I want, but when it comes to girls I can't... I don't even know, I just can't think straight, and act like myself.

I'm all over the map with Erin. I want to see her because I enjoy her company, but at the same time I don't because I get so depressed because of the situation with her. I want to be with her because I find her ideal, but when I think about it I sometimes think now would not be the right time because she's being gay and I think she has some issues she needs to resolve, though I wish I could be the one who she'd want to be there to help/support her..

As you can see, I'm very indecisive, confused, and unhappy about all of this. The happy days are just the ones where I manage to keep my mind from dwelling on all of this. I think today I'm just going to spend cleaning things up (long overdue), and maybe chill with a friend in the evening... I wonder if Erin will even call me or anything today... I'd call her, but I don't know if I should, and I'm afraid hearing her voice would just make me miss her more, especially if I don't see her tonight...

March 01, 9:45am:

Well, it's the beginning of a new month and I figured I should write since I haven't in a long time anyhow. Depression still lingers but it's veil is lifting (even though it's a very slow process so far). I've been keeping myself quite busy with work and a social life. Probably too busy since I'm never at home and neglecting things there, but I will turn that around in the near future, now that I have time and opportunity to fix what I've spent the last year or two fucking up.

Things with Erin are still shit. I see her now and again but it pisses me off that she's letting someone like me slip out of her life when I think we're so ideal for each-other. Well, close to ideal at least. She's been fucking up her school like I have in the past and I see her running into the same huge mistake I did but there isn't much I can really do about it. I wish she would put more time, attention, and thought into me, but that's not happening. I guess I etiher have to wait for her to smarten up, or just move on...

I've been seeing more of Nina, though. She's a year younger than Erin and is somewhat limited because of what she's able to do (curfews, etc.), but she's so damn cool, and such a good person. I don't think I know anyone more moral and assertive than her; plus she's the shit to hang out with. I sent her an e-mail telling her I liked her, and she hasn't written back since, but called me yesterday to make plans to hang out today, so I don't know what the deal is. Though, I don't have my hopes up or anything because the last thing I need now is to get brought down again.

Work rules. I am having way too much fun there. I like the people I work with and I'm learning all sorts of new stuff and, well, I'm just really happy with where that situation is at. I wish I was still in school but I guess that will have to wait a bit. I know that when I do return, though, I will be psyched and ready to kick some ass, the way I should be.

I've been seeing more of my friend nevesis lately, too. There was quite a long period where he managed to disappear; I blame it on his girlfriend. We've been hanging out and doing stuff lately though and I'm happy coz he's fun and cool, and pretty talented in the realm of graphic arts and design. We just need to find a way to focus those skills into a money making machine...

That's all for now. There's always more to write but it's 10 AM and I have to be ready to go to work in a half-hour or so.

February 21, 12:45am:

Erin came to my town yesterday and we ended up hanging out for 4 hours or something. During that time my spirits lifted. I don't know why, or what it was. Maybe it was being with her? I enjoy her company so much that I can't push it away, but at the same time the way things are is breaking my heart. Through to today I'm still feeling good. Things at work are awesome. I've also been seeing more of Nina lately. She's always really cheery. Even when she's down she casts high spirits. Hanging out with her makes me happy. I used to want her last year when I first knew her, and we saw each-other lots for a while but nothing happened; we just drifted apart until recently. ooh, I have pix of her. I don't think anyone reads this but i'll put them up anyhow coz she's hot and it'll be like a little hidden jewl on the net, hehe. Ah fuck, these image files are huge. I'll have to resize/compress them before I put them up. I'm actually going to move this to dreaming.org, so I'll probably do it then. Until then, all you people who don't read this can wait in anticipation.

Wow, did I ever wander off on a tangent there or what?

February 18, 3:45pm:

The depression continues. I try not to think about things. I've tried doing a lot of things to distract myself, but I still can't make it go away. I don't even really know what to write. I had a few things I wanted to jot down but I've forgotten them already.

I need a massage. I need a hug. There are only a few people I'd want around me or to talk to right now, but no one's calling and no one's here.

I've been seeing my friend Nina now and again lately. I've known her for quite some time now (well, close to a year, I think). I liked her back when I met her but I never really chased after her, not quite sure why. She just offered to come by with her friend, though. That makes me happier. She's fun and chipper all the time; a little out of control sometimes, but it's all good. I should probably get better dressed now, coz i am wearing bleach-stained pants and this ugly (but very warm and comfortable) green sweater.

February 17, 1:45pm:

I can't get rid of this misery. I want to cry. They were talking about blondes on the radio. Erin is a natural blond. See, everything always makes me thing of her!!! I want to call her, because I know talking to her will make me feel better, but if I do that, I continue this situation, and will never get her out of my head. I know she has thought about calling me, but isn't because I told her not to. This is killing me.

February 17, 12:15pm:

I just told Erin not to call me. I can't put in words how low I feel right now. I am so upset, I can feel my chest pounding, I don't want to do anything, I want to break down. I can't handle being her friend, her close friend, and that's it. I don't see why. I don't see how we can click the way we do and it not develop into more. I don't even know what to write really. I want to write a whole shit-load of stuff but, it's all just miserable. I'm in such a shitty position. No matter what I do with the options I have regarding what I do with Erin, I am left with shit, and unhappy. I either stop talking to her and hope time will heal me, or keep talking to her and learn how to deal with this, but as it's plain to see here, I've been trying to do that for months now.

I wonder if I should tell her to read all of this. She doesn't seem to understand how I feel. Maybe she does, sort of, but I just don't think she understands to what extent. I wish there was a right or wrong thing to do. Every option and every aspect of this situation to me seems just as fucked, and just as shitty. It's like when I'm out with her, I don't even know how to behave. Where to draw the line with what I do. I fucking think too much.

She's so smart, she can hold an argument with me, or any discussion. She's funny. She's witty. She knows how to read people. She's secure, a good person, caring, giving.. She knows her music, she has style, class, and is really cool. She's also as beautiful on the outside as she is on the inside. I can't stand not being with her, and the more time I spend with her, and the more I get to know her, the stronger I feel for her, and the more I want her love, respect, admiration, affection, care...

February 14, 1:00am:

Single on Valentine's day. This is fucking crap. When things started with Erin I was really hoping to have something really good going by now; guess not though. I'm going through a lot of different moods, everything from sad/depressed to angry/mad. I'm still wondering why things didn't work out. It would be a lot easier to let go and/or move on if I could have learned something from this, but so far all I see is two really great people who'd be wicked together and no good reason for them not to be. I know there's all that 'wasn't meant to be' bullshit, but I need more than just blind faith or some saying to understand what went wrong, why, how to avoid it, and to know why it can't be.

Today in general was pretty good, including my mood. My school stuff is fucked, but I am getting a lot of other things going. The constant work is helping me keep my mind off Erin, but not too much. At work the radio station they leave the radio tuned in on plays all the mainstream garbage, and almost all of it depresses me. It's always about love, missing someone, wanting someone, etc. And every time I hear something along those lines I think of Erin... Am I sad/hurtin' or what? I don't know what the fuck she is thinking with passing me up. I want to write her a letter to explain my gayness on Sunday, and to just express my thoughts on everything one final time and get it all out of my head, but I can't get time to do it. Not only that but i'm not really sure to what detail I should go into. If there's no chance with her I guess I shouldn't really care, because if she disappeared from my life, then I wouldn't have the depressing reminders i get in talking to her or seeing her.. It's a win-win situation.. pfft, yea right, it fucking SUCKS SHIT.

Time to go to bed.

February 13, 2:00am:

Well, I'm a big idiot. Sunday when I was with Erin I told her I wanted to get back together, again. Which maybe wasn't such a bad thing on it's own, but it was done at the wrong time, probably with the worst presentation possible. It came out awkward and stupid. She put me in my place with some bitchyness; told me that nothing will happen between us and to give up, when I asked (probably another gay thing to do). I screwed it up pretty bad. I seem to be functioning okay, though. I'm not happy, stuff still sucks, but it's not as bad as when I wrote that last entry... She called me a few times today, once last night. She called mostly to ask me for something. Whatever.

Aside from the fact that shit with Erin sucks shit, today was pretty good. I am making friends with this one business-man who I made aquaintance with last week. I'm doing some work for him but we end up talking a lot. He's really interesting; I might be able to learn a lot from him. He's really nice to me, too.

Stuff at school sucks. I haven't been there in a few days because I've been busy with work. I'm contemplating putting school on hold until September; I'm only taking 1 credit now anyhow. I have a lot of interesting opportunities cropping up lately that I think may be worth my time to look into.

Anyhow, I have to get to sleep ASAP. My days are now packed with work, and I finally worked out (for real) today. I need to make sure I get time and rest for that. I'll have to write more later, because there's a lot of stuff still in my head that needs out., just no time to let it out.

February 10, 12:30pm:

Still very unhappy. The more time I spend with Erin the more I keep falling for her and it's breaking my heart. I don't know, I'm afraid i'm going to break down. I don't know what to do. I have been taking up more work (job offers and contracts) in the attempt to make myself busy to try and keep my mind off of her and give myself things to do so that i'm busy. It helps a bit but it's stressing me out so bad at the same time. I can't keep this up; it's just turning into a viscious cycle. She's been hanging out with this guy from Europe lately, and the guy's cool in some ways but he's such a dick, and has no social skills at all. I really don't know why she has any interest in being around him. I'm so jealous when she's with him because I wonder why. I haven't said anything to her because I don't want to act jealous or fucked up. I can't even think straight anymore. I'm so stressed out and long for Erin so bad that I blank out all the time. Several times a day I have to ask people to repeat what they said because my mind is dwelling on shit. I'm edgy and cranky all the time. I need someone to be there for me, to love me, to have fun with me. Well, not 'someone', but Erin. I have never found anyone like her.. I still keep my eyes open, looking for someone, but it took me over half a year to find Erin, and that was pretty much by fluke chance. The idea of continuing to look sucks shit because why should I have to do it when I've found exactly what I want? I am so emotionally low. I don't remember the last time I've been so deeply ... depressed is the word, but i don't want to say it. I shouldn't be like this, but I can't help it. I've known her for half a year now...

I hate crying.

February 07, 2:00am:

Mild depression overshadows recent days. I can't seem to shake it. It's not so much that i'm depressed, i'm just not happy. Okay, so I am sad, I just don't want to admit it because i don't want to be like this. I think about Erin all the time. I miss her when she's not around. I went to see a movie with my friends tonight. I wish she was with me, so i coulda watched it with her, hear her laugh at funny parts, talk with her after and be able to be with her and hug her bye after. She went out last night and i didn't talk to her til this afternoon. she said she was happy that she finally got a hold of me when she did coz she didn't talk to me all day and wanted to, or something to that effect. That made me smile, and feel content, in a big way... Later I said i wanted to go see a movie with her on friday or something coz i will be with my Dad this weekend and won't be able to do anything, but she said she had plans :-( I didn't question, but i really wonder what they are, with who, etc.. seeing her after a week of school/work is what i always look forward to. I really hope i see her... I'm not petty enough to hope her plans fall through, coz i don't hope that. I just want to see her at some point for a while.. I just don't get her. She calls me all the time, with exceptions here and there, but pretty often still; today on her cell while out with friends, and from her friend's house. I don't get what she wants from me. I don't get why she talks to me so much sometimes and -- *sigh* :-( I am going to stop writing now, this is too frustrating to think about, because I don't understand WHY.

February 04, 3:30am:

Well, Erin just left. She got a ride over yesterday evening and spent the last while hanging out with me and my friends. Once again I didn't try to do anything, didn't say anything.. Couldn't find an opportunity, couldn't find the balls. Now that she's gone i'm very sad again. She seems so.. i dunno, like she can't get closer to me and i don't know why. I think she's so beautiful, and she's one of the coolest people i know.. I just don't know what to do. It's like the other night when my friend's car battery got drained while it was off; I knew the car would start if we left everything off and let it rest for a bit, but trying to start the car too soon would just make it cough a bit and not start, but with enough wait/rest the battery would be ready to go. I almost feel that this situation is the same; like i'm waiting for a familiarity or closeness to develop before I can "start the car" so to speak. I wish I knew what she was thinking. I wish I could let her know what I think without freaking her out or scaring her away. I wish I knew if I should continue having hope for something, or whether it's something I should abandon. I want her so bad it seems that I'm willing to go through endless frustration in order to be happy in the end, but is that case a realistic hope? I don't want to be one of those guys who's hung up on a girl for years while she's running around doing her own thing with other guys and i just sit by hoping that eventually she'll realize what we could have together and be with me. Doesn't that sound like one of the cheesiest things you've ever heard?

I think about this situation constantly. It's always at least in the back of my mind. I think maybe I'm afraid of rejection. That if I do finally try something, I will get shot down. Not only that, but if that happens with will make things awkward, along with the fact that i will probably not deal with it well.

See, I obviously have issues. That's probably why I'm making a conscious decision not to do anything, because i'd like to act like a normal person when I do. If you're going to do something, do it right. There really are no other girls which make me feel the way Erin does, so to write her off and get over her wouldn't really make things better, especially since I don't seem emotionally equipped to deal with girls right now; at least not with ones that I want. I wouldn't have a problem picking up or macking any other girls, because I wouldn't care much about them or what happened, so why waste my time on them. I'm hoping things will work out once I'm working out regularily and out of my financial rut, because I will be in a much better state of mind, for Erin or anyone I find after if things don't work out with her...

February 01, 11:30am:

I haven't written in a while, so even though I should head to bed soon i'm gonna make sure i write a quick blurb in here anyhow. Don't even really know what to write. Erin hasn't talked to me too much in the past couple days, and I wonder why. I didn't think it would continue, but still.. She's been under some stress lately so maybe that has something to do with it. I've been up and down the last few days as well. Stressed out with having to balance 2 jobs, school, and rescheduling my life from the job transition and trying to get my school stuff sorted. In a week things should be at some sort of normal (meaning just one job and school, on a predictable schedule). Soon I won't be broke anymore and I can start living, too. I'm looking forward to being able to work out and do all the things I used to.

Hrm, Erin just called. She had a guy over but spent 20 minutes on the phone with me and said she'd call me back coz that guy needed to make a phone call. Yea, I'm jealous. Wondering if anything's going on, how late he'll stay, etc... If he was me I wouldn't care coz I know he wouldn't try anything :-P But Erin is beautiful and it would be stupid to think that he wouldn't try something. Grr :-( I shouldn't care. Or should I? See, it's shit like this that sends my brain into a frenzy. I have a girl who I absolutely adore, and I'm not with her, when everything that I can think of says that we would be great together... The last couple days I've actually been thinking of giving up. I don't know what I'd do after, though. I know it will take me a while to get past this; not because it just didn't work out, but because I don't understand why it didn't, I don't understand what I did to deserve this situation, and I don't understand Erin in some ways. I wonder if she'll actually call back. She didn't last time. I hate wondering.

I just took a "colour test". It's supposed to tell me about myself. I dunno, check out the results:

Your Existing Situation

Willing and adaptable. Only at peace when closely attached to a person, group, or organization on a which reliance can be placed.

Your Stress Sources

Has an unsatisfied need to ally himself with others whose standards are as high as his own, and to stand out from the herd. This desire for preeminence isolates him and inhibits his readiness to give himself freely. While he wants to surrender and let himself go, he regards this as a weakness which must be resisted. This self-restraint, he feels, will lift him above the rank and file and ensure recognition as a unique and distinctive personality.

Your Restrained Characteristics

Willing to participate and to allow himself to become involved, but tries to fend off conflict and disturbance in order to reduce tension.

Conditions are such that he will not let himself become intimately involved without making mental reservations.

Your Desired Objective

Pursues his objectives with intensity and does not allow himself to be deflected from his purpose. Wants to overcome the obstacles with which he is faced and to achieve special recognition and standing from his success.

Your Actual Problem

Takes a delight in action and wants to be respected and esteemed for his personal accomplishments.

Sound accurate? It's hard for me to look at myself objectively, but I think there's a lot of truth there... Anyhow, that's enough self-exploration for tonight; I'm not coming to any conclusions anyhow. Not that I'm expecting to come to any conclusions, because I don't really feel that I'm in a situation where I can do much, at least not where my female-situation is concerned. My priority right now is to get enough sleep to be able to function for work in the morning =P

January 25, 1:00am:

Well, I got a good daily dose of Erin today. We talked quite a bit on the phone, and sorta made plans for the weekend. I guess I freaked out yesterday, though I still want to question how she could spend an entire day with a guy who she was bad-mouthing shortly before. I'm just curious if there is/was anything between them (I have a feeling she might like him) and/or why she did that, coz I just don't understand, and I'd like to understand her better. Anyhow, I didn't mention any of that today or how miserable i was recently, and today was just peachy in every way. I wish life made more sense sometimes.

I'm pretty sick. I thought i'd make it through this winter without getting sick, and i had a sore throat a week or two ago. Now I'm so stuffed up and coughing.. It really sucks. I hope I can shake this off soon. I've missed so much school and work the last two weeks...

Oh and to top everything off! I've been using Netzero for free dial-up internet (i'm gonna go back to cable soon i think) and now they've limited it to 40 hours a month! Like, what the fuck! That's bullshit.

January 24, 1:30am:

Don't know why I split these notes up by day when this is really a continuation of yesterday's... Anyhow, I've been quite miserable lately. I can't get Erin out of my head. I hate when I bottom out like this because not only do I feel like shit, but when I talk to her i'm just not my funny, entertaining self... Went to see a movie with a friend and in the back of my mind I wish I had Erin with me for most of the time. She doesn't seem to be as cheery towards me as she was before; I wish I knew why. At least i'm not as wound up as i was before. I wish there was a simple solution to this, and I know every impulsive act of insecurity that comes into my mind will only make things worse, and having the self-control to just sit tight and not do something stupid is stressing me, especially when I don't know if all this trouble will come up with success. After all, girls always go after the shittier guys, from my experience. I just thought that Erin was one that wouldn't. I'm not saying I'm the cream of the crop, but if she goes for a shittier guy who will treat her poorly, i'll be really mad at the world for being so fucked up. I wish things could just fall into place for me. I don't see why they don't. I think I deserve it for being an honest and loyal guy who is intelligent, getting educated, and has a prosperous future.

January 23, 9:45pm:

Erin called me from home just to say hi and stuff. She called from that other guy's house while he stepped out for a bit, too. She's been there all day. Normally I probably wouldn't care too much but what gets me is that she was so pissed off at him just recently, for lying to her and the weird BS that this guy was having with his girlfriend, and Erin was saying how she hated liars. So, she spends the day with him? She only needed to see him briefly to drop something off. I don't really know whether I should question this or just see what happens. It's really got my nerves wound up, and i'm actually angry. This is bad. I don't want to feel this shit. I suppose if something happens between them it would give me the motivating anger to get past her and take away some of the things which I respect in her, and therefore make me want her so bad. Those things being that she doesn't take shit from people, and behaves consistantly. Her accepting him back so easily after what he did and what she said, if that remains the case, would be something to help me get past this. Normally when things end with a girl I need to find a reason to forget about her, so far I haven't had much of a reason with Erin.

On a brighter note, I'm getting a new job... Better pay and better experience, but with all this other shit, I'm just not that happy still :-(

7:00pm:

Well, I've had quite a busy day so far, arranging new employment and going to the doctor's to get a note for being sick lately and to see why I've been sick for so long. I've been in somewhat of a melancholy state. Still no call from Erin, and even though i know this shouldn't bother me at all, it does for some reason. Like, why would she call me so often before, and not now? It's these fluctuations that bother me. I thought she might call before or after her exam, just so I could wish her luck, or see how things went. Right now the logical side of my brain is keeping me from dipping further. I have plans for tonight with a good friend I haven't seen in a long time, so hopefully it will keep my mind off of things. I'm sure I'll be back to write tonight, though. I just hope it will be happy writing.

3:00pm:

Erin called me, after she worked, early yesterday (after 2am some time). That guy shafted her so she didn't end up going there. We talked on the phone a few times that day. We were possibly going to get together to work on her math but at around 10pm she called from her work and I had to motivate her to go home and study since her exam is more important. I think she called me to give her that extra push she needed. I was out with friends but called her when I got home. I wasn't able to help her over the phone and she seemed to have gotten frustrated. She got short with me and ended the call since i couldn't help her over the phone. I feel worse than I should. I feel crappy because I couldn't help her, even though she said it was okay and all that. I feel crappy because she got short with me and now I wonder if she's pissed or not. Technically I guess she shouldn't since it's her exam and her responsibility, and if she wanted my help she should have made solid plans for it, but the way things worked out still sucks. She hasn't called me since that last conversation, which isn't helping. I know that she has several things to do today, and she's probably busy, but for the last while she's always taken a moment out here and there to call me. Maybe she's in a bad mood, in which case I wish I could cheer her up.

I wish I understood her better.

Lately I've been harbouring jealous feelings over this other guy. She talks about him occasionally. Sometimes she talks shit, but when I was over there last time and he called she flirted with him. The thing is, that she flirts with almost everyone, sometimes just for fun, and sometimes to help get what she wants. Why I'm bothered is because sometimes I wonder if she does the same to me, even if it's only occasionally. I know that's sort of a stupid thing to think, because there are a lot of points against that, but i'm paranoid.

Actually this whole situation has made me come to realize how insecure i really am. I have such a fucked up balance of security and insecurity. I am secure of who i am and what I do, but when it comes to some girls.. i dunno. i have to figure this out. i need to quit being like this, without turning into a jerk, though i don't really know how that will work out when it seems that guys like me always lose out, and jerks never have anything good and lasting with a girl... blah, more later when my head can produce.

January 22, 1:00am:

I had Erin out with me again for two nights. We had lots of fun and I helped her with math. She left and I got miserable again. Actually, I cried. I didn't say anything or bring anything up coz i have to quit being down around her. I dunno. I'm really frustrated. She hasn't called since she left to go to work. This last while she's called me from her work every time she was there. Not tonight (with only an hour to go), which doesn't really mean much I guess but I wish she did. She's going to another guy's house after work. A friend's. Though she was really pissed off at him earlier coz he's lied to her, and she's planning to chill with him tonight. I didn't say anything but i keep wondering wtf.

I've never wanted a girl this bad. I've never persued one like this. It's driving me nuts. Being with her is like being in heaven and hell all at the same time, because it's limited to friends and i want more. It's fucked, the more time I spend with her, the more I want her. I wish I knew what went on in her head. See, I would have brought things up during the weekend but I didn't want it to be just another weekend where I brought shit up that would make things awkward and shitty if it didn't work out well, and since i have no clue what she wants or what i should do there's a good chance things would backfire and go shitty on me.

I find out if I get the new job today. I hope i got it, i need to change things for a while... Not happy with my status in life at the moment. Need to quit being broke, need to quit neglecting school, and need Erin or someone else who had what it takes to make me feel like this, but feel the same as well..

January 18, 11:15pm:

It's been a while since I wrote, so I figured I should take a few moments now, while I have them. The lack of writing doesn't mean that everything's been great, but things have been okay overall, though not much has changed.

Erin seems to be giving me more time, consideration, and thought. I don't really know what to make of it; like, is this going to go somewhere, or what? Last weekend I had her over at a house, alone. I didn't try put any moves on her or anything, and when it was time to go to bed we just went to separate rooms, but being apart from her like that was pure hell. I wasn't able to sleep for a good part of the night and was very miserable. I told her in the morning I hated the distance between us. Plans seem to be going in the same direction for this weekend (having her to myself) as the last one. When talking on the phone about it today, she said she didn't want me to "freak out" in the morning like I did the weekend before. I told her I couldn't make any promises. I don't really know what to do still, or how to handle any of this. I'm still trying to go with the flow, as they say, but I am so miserable at times. I just don't understand why she keeps such a distance from me when we seem ideal for each-other, and any time we spend together is always so good. It makes no sense to not let things go further. On the other hand I'm not really pushing things to go further because I don't want to push her. That's for two reasons, the first being that I don't want to make her uncomfortable, and the second being that I don't want to scare her or push her away. Talking about all of this seems mechanical and takes all the spark out of everything; makes it more like business rather than something special that should be beyond that.

With all that in mind, I just don't know what to do. There are reasons for and against every action I can consider. It's like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. Often times when I see her I tell myself that I'm gonna gather my balls together and try kissing her, but when the opportunities arise I chicken out. This is ridiculous, eh? I just don't know what she wants and/or expects, other than friendship. Like, if she wants more to happen now, eventually, or ever? Asking would be gay, for the way just talking about it would ruin it. I dunno, all this writing is going nowhere. Same dilemmas, same issues, same constant problem...

Outside of that school is fucked up. I'm probably going to take a job offer and set school aside for a while. I've lost the momentum I gained during the summer for some reason, not sure why. I think it's probably from all the stress lately. Stress from this stuff with Erin, stress from the BS that's been going on in the comp-sci deptartment at my school, stress from being in debt and broke to the point of not even having a few dollars at my access. I'm hoping I can just work for a while, solve all the problems which cause my stress, and then get back on proper track in the spring, or maybe September, since spring course offerings probably won't have what I need. Plus making some real money will let me get a car, which is something that I believe has been majorly hindering my girl-getting ability. With that taken care of, I'll be able to go back on the prowl again and see if I can find a girl as good as Erin if she continues to be blind to what she can have...

January 9, 8:15pm:

Today was a pretty sweet day for the most-part. Through much of the morning I was somewhat awake because I kept getting calls on my cell and home phone, though I didn't answer them because I was too groggy and I knew it was my mom for most of them =P I had my alarm set for 11am since I had a class to go to at 11:30am. At quarter to 11 I got a call from a Niagara Falls number. When ever I get a call from that town from a number I don't know, it's usually Erin. A bit to my surprise, it was Erin; she normally doesn't call me at that time. She was on a payphone from school, avoiding her math class. Either way, I was happy to hear from her and talk to her as I always am. We talked until 11am since she had to go back to class, and I had to get up anyhow. I did my usual morning stuff and was going to go catch the bus and couldn't find my tuque! I really wanted my tuque because when I woke up I felt like shit; seems a cold or flu is trying to mess me up, so I gotta keep warm. I couldn't find it and ran for the bus since I couldn't delay that any longer. Well, of course, the bus passed by right in front of me. Stupid bastard, I was running up the street, he must have seen me, too. So, I said "fuck it" and went back home. Surprisingly I spent the day quite productively. I got a kick-ass resume and cover letter done for an upcoming job opportunity, got work done regarding one of my web-sites, and some other minor things.

So far I've had a really good day. I hope I can manage to get things to stay this way... I wanna get back into the state I was in the spring: kicking ass at school, work, and saying fuck the world! =P

January 8, 4:45am:

Well, here we go again. I went to bed nice and early (11pm) since i have school today. I slept until 2am, so I got a couple hours of sleep at least, but I haven't been able to get back to sleep since. There's too much shit running through my head.

As mentioned in Jan 3rd, I sent her a letter saying that it was killing me to be around her. I care for her too much and without having the feelings returned it's just going to keep killing me. She seemingly blew it off (she hasn't mention it at all, ever), and me being weak with this stuff didn't actually follow through on my word, though I pulled away a bit, and then all of a sudden we had an awesome weekend as mentioned in yesterday's entry.

I don't know why the fuck things are like this. I think we're perfect as friends, and could be perfect as more. I haven't done her wrong in any way, ever, and from what I gather I think that I'm what she looks for in a guy, so what gives?! Maybe I'm wrong. All I know is that I don't know how to deal with this consistently. I want to be her friend, I enjoy her company and like and respect who she is, but sometimes I can't deal with the fact that things aren't working out as best as possible. I don't know whether I should move on, or wait. FUCK. Stop seeing her "because I care for her too much"? Even though that's what it really is, that sounds like a lame reason to me. It almost sounds like I only want her in one way and no other ways. I want her in every way though. I suppose I have to look out for my best interests. I'm suffering and there's nothing that can be done to make it better; only make it disappear with time...

This makes me feel doubly lame because I said I was going to do this already, and didn't. Doesn't say much for me living up to my word, does it. Hopefully I will see her later today, and talk with her, and do whatever needs to be done...

January 7, 11pm:

Today officially sucked ass.

4:15pm:

Things make less and less sense. I was about to write off Erin because of all the crap that's gone on. My friends and I had a discussion with the end result basically being that I shouldn't spend any more time on her since I do so much for her for no reason really. I can't help doing anything I can for her when she's around.

So what happens? She takes a cab to my house, spends most of the weekend with me, and since I was broke she helped me with cash when we were going places. Most of this was her idea/initiation. Not that I'm complaining. I really enjoyed having her with me; even as a friend I enjoy her company, though sometimes the fact that we're not closer is hard to deal with.

I don't really know what to make of the behaviour. I suppose it could be just friends kinda stuff, but I think that's pushing "just friends" (not that anything happened). Actually, it's probably all in my head if I think it's more. I dunno. I guess for now the best thing to do would be to play things by ear, instead of thinking so god damn much.

January 4, 12:00am:

Well, crushed yet again. I got way too screwed up at the New Year's Eve party I was at with Erin. I know I told her I loved her once (though it sounded like it may have been more); she told me to stop telling her that. Apparently I was also putting my arm around her when other guys were checking her out as well; she told me to stop doing that, too. She said we're just "good friends", nothing more. Which I guess is where we left things at, but she told me this over ICQ rather than to my face. I find that slightly insulting, along with the wording, though I guess I should appreciate the honesty.

What really pisses me off is two things. How the fuck could she pass up a guy like me? I know I'm not the best looking but I think I'm decent (with plenty of potential), and I know some girls out there are really attracted to me (beauty is in the eye of the beholder, anyhow), I'm intelligent, loyal, honest, I have a future, I have humour and wit, and I treated her so god damn well! Like, seriously, I really wish I knew what the fuck was going on in her head. I thought we were perfect for eachother; similar in all the important ways...

The other thing that pisses me off is why should I bother being a "good guy"? I don't fuck around with just anyone, i don't mack/pimp chicks, i don't say things I don't mean just to get in good with a girl, and I'm making something of myself as a person. She wants me to keep my arm off her when other guys are checking her out?! At that party it was like a giant orgy, everyone was all over everyone else, and I know the majority of these people were just mediocre losers, and she wants a chance with them over me?

In early winter I was on top of the world. I was doing well in school, I even went for a huge programming competition that I did well on, stuff with my family was pretty good, and I found this girl, who said she'd go out with me, and who I thought was perfect and fell for. I thought, finally, for all the hard work and being a good person things were going to start to come together. WRONG.

January 3, 2:12pm:

Just sitting here thinking about shit... By now I'm starting to get a bit agravated. After sending that text file (aka "letter") to Erin, we stopped talking since it made things too awkward. However, the next day was like nothing had happened. She messages me on ICQ, calls me later... Like, what the hell? She never mentioned anything that was on my mind that I wrote about, either. Last night she was supposed to party in Kingston with a couple of her friends. Though I didn't think about it at the time, I wonder why she wouldn't invite me, especially after all the places I've taken her, and all the things I've done for her. Even if we remain friends, what kind of friendship is this? I suppose all this agony will eventually make me get over her (unless things change), but I'm not looking foward to being mad at the world again...

January 1, 7:40pm:

My new year was a complete disaster. I feel like a piece of shit. I sent her a "letter" I wrote after I talked with my friends last night that told her I thought she was short-changing us and that I couldn't just be friends with her. Who knows what the fuck will happen now. Likely nothing because I know she doesn't feel and think the same as I do.

The one time in the last year I open myself up to someone. Someone who I thought was perfect, and that things would have been right with. And things go to such shit. Why me? Her major fault is that she doesn't realize what she's missing out on.. Why can't things fall in place for once instead of it winding up in a cruel joke on me.

December 31, 3:50am:

i had a good talk with my friends tonight. they told me the same stuff most other ppl told me. Though a good part of it related to getting action, even though it's not what i'm primarily after, they're still right if you look at it in other ways. Like, if nothing's happened now I'm a fool for sticking around and hoping it will some day, because in the meanwhile I treat her like gold and my feelings continue to develop and i keep going through ups and downs still. I could be putting my time into other girls, or myself. Not only that but I can't just be friends with her. I can't keep myself distanced. I don't know if that means i'm weak in some way (emotionally, self-control?), but I can't really do anything about that. I'd love to stay friends with her, because she's an amazing person, but I can't handle what goes through my mind because of how I have to be with her.

Anyhow, tonight is New Year's Eve. I'm going to take her to a party and get down and have fun with her like I promised her, but all this stuff is going to have to come up soon after...

December 30, 4am:

i'm having a hard time dealing with things again. i got kicked out of a club by some jackass security while partying there with "the girl". I went for a long walk expecting to try to get in later, maybe after having a coffee. I walked for a long while in less than 10 degree celsius weather. i was freezing my ass off so bad. my one hope materialized: she called me from someone's cell inside the club and from there i grabbed a cab back to the club, picked her up, and went to a friend's place.

i'm happy that she's with me. i love spending time with her. but i can't stand the distance between us. we lie on seperate couches and all i want to do is feel her near me, nothing more. i don't know wh at to do, what to say. i don't want to push things. i don't know whether i should do or say something, and if so, then what . i think too much, but i can't act without thinking...

i know that waiting would be worth it, since so much could develop, but even tho ugh this time would be a drop in the bucket. It feels like an eternity and the emotions are so intense they consume me.

... 9:20pm:

I eventually got out of that depressed hole; probably from having slept. Still not in the best of moods but doing okay. She asked if I wanted to go to her house when we finally made it out of Toronto. I don't get her. She wants to spend lots of time with me, she pays for some things when we go out and is considerate of me, so I don't think she's using me. When we're together things feel so perfect; we are so much alike in so many ways... I don't understand why she's holding back getting closer to me with everything else that's already there. Why doesn't she realize how perfect we are together and do something about it, because I've tried...

I think I treat her too well for a "friend". I do much more for her than I would for most people. I can't help doing everything I can for her, though. Even though I said I would distance myself from her and that things would be different after we downgraded from girlfriend/boyfriend to "friends", I think she appreciates it, but... I dunno. Fuck! :-(

December 27:

I can't make sense of things anymore. I don't know whether I'm distorting things but the more and more time I spend with her the more comfortable, familiar, and closer she becomes.

I don't really know what to do or expect. I'm trying to go on doing neither, and just going with the flow. Bah, I think too much...

December 26:

I had a talk with my cousin about relationships. She brought up some very good points about how girls can keep guys that like them around because those guys will do anything for them. In concise terms, they're manipulative users. She also had me come to the conclusion that it would be okay (though still shitty) to totally cut ties with Erin if we couldn't be more than friends, because it's hard to be like that when one person feels so much more for the other.

Fuck am I ever confused. Having freaked out and needing something to be done about my emotional roller coaster, I was an idiot and I asked Erin to go back out with me. Like she told my friend a night or two ago, she said she wanted to be single. I told her I wouldn't be able to be friends with her, that I wanted more, and yadda yadda... She was pissed. She said at least I was the first guy she tried with. Like that's going to make me feel better. I replied in full honesty, that I would have rather been the last guy if it meant keeping her. I knew that what I wanted wasn't going to happen, and the only other alternative was to completely end things there. After a long while of thinking I came to no conclusions. I didn't know what to do. I eventually came to the conclusion that I don't think she's using me, or manipulating me, and that she's being completely honest with me. I believe this because I know she cares, and tries to treat me decently, and wants my company whether or not she can gain anything from it.

I spent the next 22 hours with her. I don't know how I made it through some of it. Like that one piece of prose on my site says:

"the worst way to miss someone is when they are
right beside you and yet you can never have them...
when the moment you can't feel them
under your fingertips you miss them?"

Other times I was just so content spending time with her, and being with her. By the time I left, I was happy to have been with her. Until I find someone as perfect for me as she is, why bother giving up on her. I just wish she'd realize what she's missing... But until then I guess I'll put more time back into myself and my other friends, and space myself from Erin until she's dealt with her issues... I just wish I didn't miss her so much...

Gonna spend the next couple days in my own town, doing my own things... I have a project due anyhow =P

December 24:

As of writing this, I'm currently experiencing what's probably the lowest low of my life. Never have I been so upset, angry, sad, and unhappy, all at once. I don't really know why I'm writing this, or posting it, but I can't think about anything else. I have schoolwork to do for University, and a project to contemplate for my job, but no matter how hard I try to concentrate on anything, my mind can only dwell on one thing...

In February of this year (2000), my 1st and I guess only serious girlfriend broke up with me. It was four months after I did something that in a way said that she didn't mean much to me. However, during that time I actually realized how much I meant to her, and spent that last four months doing everything I can to show her how that made me feel, and to make things better. Eventually everything just fell appart in a complete miserable disaster. I was destroyed. I travelled (as she did) 16 to 24 hours once or twice a month to visit this girl. When things ended I had to endure a 12 hour ride home, with nothing to distract me; only my thoughts to dwell on. Needless to say, I was miserable, even though I knew it was bound to happen eventually, and that this girl wasn't really the right one for me, and that it was for the better.

I spent the next seven months or so concentrating on my own life. In the spring I somehow wound up with two spring classes in university (spring classes go about twice as fast as normal fall/winter courses, so it's almost like taking 4 classes at once) AND 4 jobs where I was putting in more than 50 hours a week. On top of that, my weekends were filled with a heavy schedule of partying. I don't really know how I pulled all that off; I think maybe the partying helped balance the stress of school and work, while keeping my schedule so busy that I had nothing to think about other than (school)work and partying. The summer came around, and school was done. My workload reduced slowly, and I let it continue so until sometime in October I think, where I took up a new job which I was (and am, as I write this) very happy with, and a full-time (but not completely full) course-load at school.

While making this slow descent back into sanity I did do some dating. I went out with two or three girls for a while, but nothing worked out. I ended them because they just weren't what I was looking for. After what I had gone through before I promised myself that I would never stay commited to a girl unless she was the perfect one for me. Why settle for anything but the best? If I do, I would be unhappy, and it would just end, most likely with more misery, if not for me then the girl, and I don't want to hurt anyone. So I spent that time being a good guy, being honest, not staying with girls long if I knew they weren't what I was looking for, so that I didn't hurt them even more later. In doing this I as hoping karma (as in, what goes around comes around) would eventually bless me with what I was looking for, even if it would take years. I just wanted to find that "right girl", that would compliment my life in the way I wanted, and in the meanwhile to just work on my own life and make something of myself.

Well, in late September, I don't know why, but when I was at a local "rave club", I asked a girl for her number. I find most of the people at these places are fairly mediocre and simple, but for some reason something drove me to ask for this girl's #; I don't even know what, or why. This is especially strange since she's only the 4th girl who I've ever picked up at a club. She gave me her number, and from there, this situation started to develop.

I gave her a call two or three days later... I enjoyed talking to her, she seemed pretty interesting. Actually, skip this long story. Fact of the matter is that the more I got to know her, the more my feelings developped for her. On October 9th I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. For a while I felt like I was on top of the world. My life was on track enough to satisfy me, and I finally found what I have been longing for for years; a girl that I was completely satisfied with, inside and outside. On the inside, she's a girl with morals, self-esteem, smarts, and... the list just goes on and on about all the things I liked about her. On the outside, she was drop-dead gorgeous. She had the most beautiful eyes, smile, face, hair, body, you name it. Everything about this girl, from her personality and character, to the way she looked, dressed, and acted, was *exactly* what I've been looking for. I thought to myself, finally after all the BS things are falling in place and I'm getting the one thing I've wanted that I can't just go out and get like anything else. Finding someone is a matter of time, and finding that person, it's not something you can choose or make happen...

Either way, my feelings progressed to the point of love. After all, how am I supposed to feel about the one person I find perfect in so many ways? It was inevitable. The misfortune here is that either she did not see me in the same light, or is just not ready for what I want... Not that I really understand that. I never limited her, never asked her not to do anything, always took her out places to party and do things... I did everything I could for her. She told me I was the perfect guy. So, what gives? It doesn't make sense to me, just like the fact that I can't handle these feelings.

I find it very ironic that this is very similar the previous "serious" relationship I had, only in reverse. Now I am the one in love, with the object of my affections not understanding what I have for her...

I'm just so pissed off at how rediculously unfair this has been. Everything from finding the perfect girl, to her agreeing to be my girlfriend, to her later telling me she didn't want something "serious". I never really figured out what being "serious" was supposed to really mean, but I didn't see what was holding her back. If I was so perfect and great then what is there to hold someone back from me.

December 18th, two months and just over a week later of being involved, I couldn't handle things anymore. I couldn't handle my feelings for her not being returned. All I wanted is her love and affection, to share life with her. I treated her as best I could, did anything I could for her...

Now I'm pissed. Not at her, but at... Life. I did not deserve this. I feel so cheated.

More irony: A month after Kari broke up with me, someone sent me an e-mail that I posted on my site. I haven't looked at it in probably about half a year, and now that I read it, I realize it applies more to everything that's been happening lately, than it did for what originally inspired me to post it.